Big Friend

"'When I met him, though I had never seen him in person up until this point, I felt as if I've spent my entire life by his side--I felt he was a true friend.'" "-Ser Wubblebubbleball"

Summary
Big Friend is our glorious leader and best friend. While only four people have ever met him, and those four people were all bureaucrats, he is totally real, and he loves you. Some believe that Big Friend is simply a made-up mascot who is said to be always watching over you to give society a false sense of purpose and raise morale, but that is just an untrue rumor planted by milkman spies. Big friend is definitely and undoubtedly entirely a real, physical man who is always watching and smiling upon those who believe in him. If your friend or loved one tells you that Big Friend isn't real, he or she is a heretic and/or milkman and must be reported to the Friendgroup immediately to be thrown back into the Blastzone from whence he or she came.

Biography
Not much is known about where Big Friend came from, but he has been our leader for over 200 years--Calling the shots and sending messages through passing them down the pyramid of rank among his underlings. He is a brilliant tactician and his policies are all extremely reasonable and sensible. Now you may be asking: "Why have hardly anyone ever met this man? I sure wish I could meet him. He is so great!" While Big Friend is a friend to all, the feeling isn't always mutual. There are many heartless beings that want him dead, and do not accept his offering of peace. The only thing that anyone wondering what he's like has to go on is a photo of his face. Fortunately, his warm, friendly face is plastered on every surface in our great nation, so that you always feel him watching over you. While Big Friend is not the most comely man, he has a genuine smile, and great personality. Most find that his unkempt look is much less intimidating than if he were a handsome man. The people can focus on his friendship, and not be envious of his looks.

Trivia

 * Big Friend has the world record for the total of salads eaten with over three trillion salads. The Daily Friend, our nations official source of news, brings daily updates on how many salads Big Friend has eaten. Jeremy Salads is in second place with over one trillion salads.
 * Big Friend has a wife named Big Wife, our nation's sweetheart.